Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
