i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Ladies don't puke and tell
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