Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
