I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
