OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
