last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
