thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
