I could make wine with my vomit
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
