Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
