So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
