There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
