now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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