I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
