My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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