whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
