So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
