I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
