Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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