so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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