She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
