Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
