How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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