I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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