You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
