i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
