I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
