he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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