Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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