mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
