Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You can't motorboat a personality
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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