First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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