RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
