Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
