Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
