At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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