I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
