I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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