Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
So. Much. Porn.
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