Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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