I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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