My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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