I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The best revenge is premature balding
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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