i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
