He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
