i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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