she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
