im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
