I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
