There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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