That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
