How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
