Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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