Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm always down for nudity.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
