Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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